Trusting God.... Or Pleasing God?

"Many are plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" (Proverbs 19:21)

I read this verse today and I feel that this is exactly where I'm at in life right now. Questioning. Wondering. Pondering. "What IS God's will for my life, and where is the next step or decision that I need to take or make in order to realize if I'm actually in the middle of it?"  


This week is the 2 year mark since I was laid off from my job. I then returned to school, finished my degree in the fall semester of 2008 and graduated in the Spring of 2009. My hopes and plans were to, continue to follow my calling and find a full time job in ministry as a music pastor. . . somewhere.

Since then, the economy's taken a nose dive and I've been in the unemployment line. Financially scraping by. Hoping beyond hope that God will open that door and lead me in the direction that He wants me to be in. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I had to endure an emergency appendectomy. Along the way though, I've had a few glimmers of joy, love, relationships, & opportunities for involvement with great musicians who've all become really good friends to me. I've even seen some growth in my striving to somehow "touch God" or at least feel His presence on a regular basis. But I have to say, through the ups and downs of this journey, the last 2 months have indeed been the hardest so far.


And believe me, throughout this process, I've probably heard just about every cliche in the book when it comes to life struggles in regard to my situation. "Keep focused on God, He'll provide a way", "God helps those who help themselves", "God works though it all... the good and the bad..." and many more that I can't think of at this time. I often tried to keep myself motivated too by thinking upon the same lines... "Just keep persevering John, God will open the door for you.", "Maybe God's kept you away from those jobs that you've applied for, for a reason?", "There's no coincidences with God... there's got to be a reason for why you haven't gotten a job yet..."  But all I've heard through the last couple of months is . . . *crickets* . . . Whew.... It's quite taxing on the old emotional system, that's for sure. Silence can be golden, but when you're striving for some kind of response from God. . . it can be DEAFENING!


But... there is a bright side. Thankfully God does continue to speak. Be it through His word, the Bible, or through others, especially close friends, in ways that I often don't expect. It just doesn't always happen everyday for me. Am I weird for admitting this?


I haven't ever really written about it openly, but the truth is, I do know that I deal with depression and self esteem issues. Most of which has been impacted or inflicted from outward sources. Over time, the Lord is continuing to heal me of it, and I know that one day I will be free of the clouds of depression that seem to cycle through and often hit me like a hurricane, when I least expect it. Thankfully, I know Who's in control and Who will provide the rainbow of hope that I need in order to survive these moments.


This past week I was able to watch an incredible sermon entitled "The Room of Good Intentions" by John Lynch. This message struck me at the core. In this sermon illustration, John describes two paths that lead to two rooms that he encounters in Heaven. One path is the path of "pleasing God" and the other is the path of "trusting God". First he chooses the path of "pleasing God". Upon entering the room at the end, he realizes that everyone is wearing masks and everyone is "fine" when they're asked how they're doing. He soon realizes that this is not the room that he wants to be in. He decides after some debating to leave and meander to the path of "trusting God". In this room he finds people who are open and honest about their brokenness, their fears, their sin life, etc... This of course, is a room filled with people touched by God's grace. 


In this brief clip, John succinctly wraps up his sermon with an illustration that really spoke to me about how I've been trying so hard to "please God" and failing miserably at it. When the all powerful Father in Heaven, already knows exactly who I am and what He wants for me. All I have to do is merely have faith and trust Him. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.

The "What If's"

 I hate the what if's in life. But nonetheless they still creep in from time to time. I know that God is bigger than any problem or circumstance that we face in life, but my humanity can only see so far down the road. I guess that in situations like this, it's faith that has to overcome all the "what if's". Some common ones that have come up in my life have been: "What if I never fall in love again & if I do, will I get hurt again?", or "What if I never get the job that I want?", which is usually followed up by a numerous amount of questions about finances, and bills, and my monstrous student loans that are waiting to be paid. Almost all of these questions are rooted in the fear of the unknown. 

Even though I've been following the Lord for quite some time now, and no longer consider myself to be a "baby Christian", I still have worries and fears that tend overtake me from time to time. I have to be honest with you, that I am a very tenderhearted person. It really doesn't take much for me to tear up and wear my emotions on my sleeve. Some people aren't able to understand why others can become emotional and they shrug it off as a weakness. But over the years I've learned to embrace this feature and how God has instilled it in me. This ability to be real doesn't come without it's costs though. I look at it as a way that the Lord has given me to release the stress and worry that I've allowed to well up in me.... sometimes for way too long. I think that's the struggle that we as men have. We are taught to be strong and never show our weaknesses. We often are taught that tears are a sign of femininity, and therefore should be something that we as men aren't supposed to do or show to others.

I, on the other hand, have realized tears, as one person told me a while ago "Tears are a gift from God to wash our eyes so that we can see His world anew." So yes, as you might be able to tell from this post, I've been having some tearful and fearful moments as of late. Details of which I don't choose to go into at this time, but thankfully my Lord, my Comforter, my Prince of peace, is there to continually give me hope for the next day and strength to get through whatever "what if's" might come my way.

Shalom & Blessings to you.

Blotting Out The Ink

         As I arrived home tonight from men's group, I opened the front door and was greeted by the normal frenzied welcome from my two dogs, Sahera and Gobi. I made my way through the entry and locked the door behind me, and as usual shuffled my way past the dogs and took off my coat. It's become a habit for me to, first thing, check the normal areas where my puppy Gobi may or may not have made a "mistake" while I was gone, and prepare to clean it up. He's pretty much house broken, but 4 hours, as I've learned is his breaking point. As I made way towards the kitchen, I noticed small, irregular patches of something black on the floor. I reached down and dabbed a part of one of the smudges with my index finger in order to examine it's contents a little more close up. Initially, I couldn't quite figure out what the substance was. It was greasy, and thankfully, it wasn't feces. So I followed the trail. It meandered through the kitchen, into the dining room, around the table and chairs, and then back out to the kitchen again. But it still didn't lead me to the source of this mysterious black substance. I took a look closer towards where the linoleum met the carpet of the living room area. It was there that the trail resumed. As I rounded the corner of the couch, I saw, with much horror, the culprit of the substance. There, Gobi, had returned to the scene of the crime. Near his now cowering head, lay a munched up, Uniball, waterproof, fade proof, black, ink pen! The cap still attached, with the opposite end completely destroyed and it's contents spilled all over the carpet.

         Before I go on, I must let you in on part of Gobi's personality. You see, he has a liking, no... a love.... no.... an infatuation, with anything made of plastic! If it's left where he can get it, he WILL chew it up. Some of the long list of things he's chewed up consist of, remote controls, contact lens eye drop bottles, tubes of chapstick, hangers... Well, you get the point. The boy loves the feel of plastic between his young canine teeth.

         Well, back to the ink situation. I immediately kenneled both dogs. "Why were they not in the kennel the first place?" you might ask. Well, it's too long of story, but lets just say that Gobi is an escape artist, and I've yet had the chance to reinforce his new kennel to make it "Gobi/Houdini-proof".

         I then set about to pooling my cleaning tools and supplies and started picking up all the ink that had been soaking into the carpet. Thank the Lord for the Bissel "Little Green Machine"!. After pre-treating the stains and going through 2 tanks of detergent, followed by mopping up the linoleum, the stains were no more. It was as if Gobi hadn't committed the heinous crime to begin with. I freed them from their kennel and showed him the unconditional love that he expected from me.

         Isn't that how the Lord through His infinite grace and mercy treats us? I once heard those two terms described this way: "Grace is getting what we don't deserve, and mercy is not getting what we do." Often, when people do things in our lives that hurt, offend, or merely just catch us off guard, we tend to react in ways that are not Christ-like and in fact are basically just out of immediate human reaction without thinking. We are called to be Christ to this world. We are called to act lovingly and show grace and mercy to those who have made mistakes in their lives. In doing so, we can be beacons of Christ's light and guide them to Him. Some of them already know Him, and those are the ones that we sometimes find it hardest to forgive and let back into our lives. Have you received grace and mercy from the Lord? Have you received them from others? Are you ready to reflect the unconditional love of the Savior to His world?

Luke 7:44-48

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. ⁴⁵You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. ⁴⁶You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. ⁴⁷Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

 ⁴⁸Then Jesus said to her, "Your sins are forgiven."